Deep Thoughts…

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008 | Random Thoughts

It shouldn’t surprise me, but I’ve realized something about myself these last few days–I am driven by performance. I’ve always known I’ve been an over-achiever and used to look at that quality as a good thing. However, God is slowly doing a work on my heart…and its shaking up my world.

My identity has always been wrapped up in what I DO. I’m a teacher, so I spend a lot of my free time thinking about lessons, creating new games and activities, even spending time with students. Most of the time, I find my identity in being the *best* teacher (note the wording–not on being “the best teacher I can be,” rather my dentity is based on being “the best teacher”).

I am also a wife. I measure my success as a wife by how many ways and how often I take care of my husband’s needs (making meals, washing dishes, keeping the house clean, giving him time to relax, supporting him in his job and extra activities, and meeting his other needs). I don’t want to be a burden to him; I want to make his life easier.

Finally, I am a Christ-follower. I find my identity in being a Christian. I volunteer at church, host people in my home, send words of encouragement to friends when needed, pray and read my Bible. But, my identity is found in my performance of these things. After all…I want to be successful.

How do I measure success then…by performance. Because if I don’t focus on measuring success, I might fail as a teacher, wife, or Christian. Isn’t failing itself the cardinal sin of any American Christian? At least that’s what I used to think. Yet, when it comes to relationships…with Nate, with God, with others…sometimes success is not found in what I do. Then where is it found and how can I know when I’ve failed so I can successfully beat myself up and do “better” next time? And how do I let go of my performance based identity and just BE the woman, teacher, and wife God has made me? I wish there was a list of steps I could follow, but that doesn’t seem to exist…maybe that’s the point…

1 Comment to Deep Thoughts…

Dave
January 28, 2008

I think the gift that you have is a double-edged sword: you not only want to do things but you want to do them with excellence, which is amazing in our culture. The other edge of the sword is that you may derive identity and value from doing things excellently. Remember though that your value is static — you’re invaluable so nothing you can do or say can make you less so to those in your life who truly love you.

I would frame your answer in a different question — what is the goal of success and what does success look like? I think that based on knowing you and what I’ve seen I could make one suggestion: I think that deep down you would want to know that people’s lives were changed because Sara took the time to get to know them, to listen to them, to talk to them, to teach them how to learn, to encourage them in what they’re going through — not because it was best for her, but because it was best for them.

Remember — your family, your husband and your friends don’t love you because you perform for us, we love you for who you are, for your passions and your talents and your encouragement to move forward. And if we love you that much, how much more does God love his daughter?

You are so loved! Thanks for doing life together.

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