i think she really means it…

A Journey

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010 | Sara the Mommy, Sara the Wife

I’ve been on quite a journey these last 9 months or so.  Although, it really started in September 2009…

I’ve always been a planner.  I had my whole life planned out during my twenties.  I was going to go to college, meet a great man, and get married.  CHECK!  Then, I was going to be a teacher and enjoy life as a newlywed.  CHECK!  In my later twenties, I planned to buy a home with my husband and enjoy a little traveling.  CHECK!  I figured we’d start a family by the time I turned 30…

It’s a little scary to me how planned I made my life.  Through God’s incredible blessings, we’ve had AMAZING opportunities these last several years.  However, I will never forget the September evening Nate and I sat in the car in the parking lot at church and I suddenly realized I didn’t want to plan my life anymore.  I was tired of having all the little ducks in a row and was ready to jump in, completely, into starting a family.  I never really thought I’d reach that point, being the control freak that I am, but I’m so glad I did!

Thus brings us to this moment in time.  I’m quite the “thinker” and tend to analyze just about everything in life, so bear with me…

Over the past 11 months, I’ve grown in more ways than I could have imagined.

Physically:  This is obvious!  Yet, as my belly has stretched, I have learned to limit myself.  I simply can’t push myself to accomplish as much as I used to.  I wasn’t able to continue jogging past month 4.  I had to start asking my students to do things for me in the classroom.  I wasn’t able to make dinner, pack lunches, unload the dishwasher, wash dinner dishes, etc. all in one evening.  And I have to admit, I was a little shocked that everything didn’t fall apart when I didn’t finish everything on my to-do list!

Emotionally:  Slowly, I’m learning to let go of control.  We made a conscience decision at the beginning of our pregnancy NOT to find out the gender of this precious one I’m carrying.  I know this is just the beginning of letting go of control.  I like to control things; it makes me feel safe.  After all, I’m a teacher!  I “control” my own little world 5 days a week.  As I let go, however, I realize how insecure I really am.  It’s not about what I accomplish or control, but rather how I approach each situation and trust God to give me wisdom for the moment.  Anne Lamott says that “the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.  Certainty is missing the point entirely.”  Somehow I convince myself that with control comes certainty.  Yes, I realize how illogical that sounds, but it’s been my mantra for a while.  I am slowly learning to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.  For there is very, very little that I actually have control over.  Which leads me to faith…

Spiritually:  Our God is a God of GRACE.  Oh, how desperately I need His grace.  I’m so hard on myself, thinking life is about what I accomplish.  He has blessed me beyond belief these last 30 years.  Everything I have is a gift from Him.  Yet, my warped human experience makes me think it’s about the things I have and the accomplishments I’ve had.  This brings me back to the control issue.  If something goes wrong, it’s clearly my fault and I should have to pay the penalty.  But, if I really had to pay the price for the “wrong” in my life, I would have died years ago!  My God is so full of grace.  He doesn’t expect me to approach this life on my own.  In fact, He commands me to place no other gods before Him–even the god “control.”  Pregnancy is completely out of my control–the way the baby grows, the gender, the sickness, the weight gain, the length and progression of labor, the type of delivery.  While it is about letting go of trying to control those things, it’s more about trusting God through it all.  Knowing that He really does care about being in relationship with me, no matter how small my worry or concern.  It’s about not living in fear of the things to come, but rather in the light of His grace and love.  It’s about allowing myself to receive His grace, especially when I don’t think I deserve it.

I am humbled that God loves me.  I am in awe of the man He gave me to live this life with.  Nate is a man so full of grace and patience.  Did he know just how immature I was a few years ago?!  If my husband shows unexplainable grace and love to me in this imperfect relationship we call marriage, how much more my perfect Creator knows and loves me!  WOW!  I certainly didn’t know I was getting into this journey 9 months ago!

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