Hmmm…

Do I have a choice?

Is there a possibility?

Would she be missing out?

Is it even up to me?

Princesses. I’ve never been a big fan.

I love make-believe. My first imaginary friend (YM) arrived when I was two. I spent countless hours “pretending” and playing with dolls. My friends and I spent our summer days building houses out of lawn chairs and other paraphernalia around our garages. Recesses were spent imagining we lived in the Old West and stories continued from morning recess to lunch recess and, if we were lucky, afternoon recess. (I can’t remember the details but I remember hiding in our “basement” during at least 2 recesses while we waited for a tornado to pass over us).

Imagination. It was my job. I spent my days and nights making up stories and characters.

But, princesses. Why does that particular imaginary play bother me so much? Is it because princesses often live with a sense of  ”entitlement?” Is it because Disney took care of all the details—no need to make up stories or costumes, you can buy them at the store? Or maybe it’s because all the little girls are into princesses and I HATE following the crowd.

Whatever it is, I hope I can allow Molly to enjoy whatever it is she wants to play as she grows into a little girl. I won’t be buying into the Disney movies or
costumes. She will, however, have a box full of dress-up clothes, I’m sure. There will be dolls and play food and play kitchens and imaginative props of all sorts. I
hope Molly develops a rich land of make-believe.

But, princesses…? I hope they don’t come into our home pre-packaged.

One of the blogs I follow and really enjoy has a “virtual coffee” post on a pretty weekly basis. It’s just a short “chat over coffee” kind of post. I thought I might try a little coffee myself…

If we were having coffee this afternoon, it would probably be iced. The weather is quite warm today. Molly and I walked to Smart & Final and then to Vons for our weekly shopping trips. On our first outing, I was wearing jeans, but by 11:00, I was in a skirt and t-shirt.

If we were having coffee together, I would definitely ask how you are doing? What are you learning right now? Do you have any opinions from this weekend’s EVENT?

If you’re a mama, I’d probably eventually ask you how you do it. How do you give yourself grace to just be each day and not set unrealistic expectations of yourself? I mean, I am so blessed to be home full time! I am beyond grateful! Yet, no matter how hard I work, I can never get my house clean enough, cook enough meals from scratch, find enough money saving strategies at the grocery store, read my Bible enough, or, of course, exercise enough (honestly, when do you find the time?!). Like everything else in life, I approach my life at home as something I must earn daily. If I don’t do enough I might get fired, or at least asked to start contributing to the household finances. (Just to be clear, these are my thoughts and feelings…Nate is so gracious to me and tells me how grateful he is that I do what I do everyday. He would NEVER demand more of me!).

If we were together today, you would probably give me a hug and tell me you know EXACTLY what I’m going through.  You would also remind me that no one is keeping score. Nate isn’t, Molly isn’t, you aren’t, and our Heavenly Father certainly isn’t. I would know you’re right and I would thank you for not trying to fix my problem, but just listening. After all, that’s why we met for coffee in the first place.

~Sara

I’ve been reading about homeschooling lately. Yeah, I kinda surprise myself sometimes. Various conversations and people have brought this topic to mind lately. I’m simply reading about homeschooling as an educational option in general, not specifically for our family (necessarily).

Homeschool versus public/traditional school…it’s always been an “us versus them” mentality. As a public school teacher (and a graduate of both private & public schools) I tend to land on the side of “traditional schooling.” I’ve just started researching lately. Not because there was anything wrong with my own schooling or because I want anything different for my family, but simply to open my mind to other families and methods of school. Notice I say “school” and not “education” or “learning.” Above all else, I am a supporter and proponent of life-long learning and education. We are our children’s first and most influential teachers no matter where they attend school.

I definitely have my reasons for “traditional” schooling. Among them are:

• There are awesome teachers in our community; I really don’t want to rob my children of the opportunity to be influenced by other great people.
• I want my children to have opportunities to be independent from our family. I want the independence process to be developmentally appropriate, of course, and gradual.
• I want my children to have opportunities to explore topics/interests that are different from my own. I don’t want to limit their exposure to everything they can learn based on my limited intellect and personal interests.

But above all else…

• I want my children to be “salt and light” to our community. I want them to shine brightly for Jesus in their classrooms for their teachers and their peers. I know, without a doubt, that God, who walks with me each day, will walk with my children every step of their educational journey and beyond.

This is where I stand on schooling right now. Could my mind change? Perhaps. That’s why I want to approach my research and readings with an open mind. Schooling looks different for different situations and families. It shouldn’t be an “us versus them” argument. Learning can be, and often is, just as important and intentional to traditional schooling families as it is to homeschooling families.

We have several years before Molly begins school. We already started learning together seven months ago. We shall see where our education takes us.

Looking back over the past few weeks, I wanted to record some of my thoughts and insights. We have been studying the life of Moses and the children of Israel. The study is subtitled, “Discovering Jesus through the life of Moses.” What a discovery I have made! Here is a quick journal entry from this past week:

A few weeks ago we talked about sharing in and seeing God’s glory. Moses asked God if he could see God’s glory. It was a remarkable experience for Moses, and probably life-changing (I mean, his face “shone like the sun!”). It was a challenging lesson for me to visualize and wrap my mind around. One of the verses that week really got to me; “if we are to share in Christ’s glory we must also share in His suffering.” I really don’t like that verse. I don’t want to suffer. Kill me, fine, but suffer? I don’t know if I could make it.

Last week, as Molly and I were driving to visit my parents, we were listening to the Kid’s Church worship cd. I was singing along, worshipping with those precious voices when suddenly it occurred to me… I would do/give absolutely ANYTHING so that Molly would know and love Jesus. It is my deepest desire that she will live in relationship with the Lord all the days of her life. Then it hit me… that’s what our Heavenly Father did! He longed so desperately for His children to have a relationship with Him that He sent His SON! That has a whole new meaning to me now! And Jesus suffered. Oh, my, did He suffer. And He did it so willingly. Did He think to Himself, “I would do absolutely ANYTHING to have a relationship with Sara, my precious daughter?” He must have, because He suffered and died for ME.

I still haven’t wrapped my mind around the idea of suffering and I surely don’t want to suffer. But I do know this: God has not/will not ask me to do anything He did not do Himself. And above all else, He is with me every step of the way. Oh, that I might know Him deeper and live a changed life. That is my prayer today.

Remember, me?

I’m sorry I’ve neglected you these last 6 months. It’s just that my life is so different these days. I’m still writing, just on another page. Please don’t think of me as a traitor. I will be back to write about my own thoughts and personal experiences.

But, until then, you’ll have to keep up over here.

I’ve always been a planner.  I had my whole life planned out during my twenties.  I was going to go to college, meet a great man, and get married.  CHECK!  Then, I was going to be a teacher and enjoy life as a newlywed.  CHECK!  In my later twenties, I planned to buy a home with my husband and enjoy a little traveling.  CHECK!  I figured we’d start a family by the time I turned 30…

It’s a little scary to me how planned I made my life.  Through God’s incredible blessings, we’ve had AMAZING opportunities these last several years.  However, I will never forget the September evening Nate and I sat in the car in the parking lot at church and I suddenly realized I didn’t want to plan my life anymore.  I was tired of having all the little ducks in a row and was ready to jump in, completely, into starting a family.  I never really thought I’d reach that point, being the control freak that I am, but I’m so glad I did!

Thus brings us to this moment in time.  I’m quite the “thinker” and tend to analyze just about everything in life, so bear with me…

Over the past 11 months, I’ve grown in more ways than I could have imagined.

Physically:  This is obvious!  Yet, as my belly has stretched, I have learned to limit myself.  I simply can’t push myself to accomplish as much as I used to.  I wasn’t able to continue jogging past month 4.  I had to start asking my students to do things for me in the classroom.  I wasn’t able to make dinner, pack lunches, unload the dishwasher, wash dinner dishes, etc. all in one evening.  And I have to admit, I was a little shocked that everything didn’t fall apart when I didn’t finish everything on my to-do list!

Emotionally:  Slowly, I’m learning to let go of control.  We made a conscience decision at the beginning of our pregnancy NOT to find out the gender of this precious one I’m carrying.  I know this is just the beginning of letting go of control.  I like to control things; it makes me feel safe.  After all, I’m a teacher!  I “control” my own little world 5 days a week.  As I let go, however, I realize how insecure I really am.  It’s not about what I accomplish or control, but rather how I approach each situation and trust God to give me wisdom for the moment.  Anne Lamott says that “the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.  Certainty is missing the point entirely.”  Somehow I convince myself that with control comes certainty.  Yes, I realize how illogical that sounds, but it’s been my mantra for a while.  I am slowly learning to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.  For there is very, very little that I actually have control over.  Which leads me to faith…

Spiritually:  Our God is a God of GRACE.  Oh, how desperately I need His grace.  I’m so hard on myself, thinking life is about what I accomplish.  He has blessed me beyond belief these last 30 years.  Everything I have is a gift from Him.  Yet, my warped human experience makes me think it’s about the things I have and the accomplishments I’ve had.  This brings me back to the control issue.  If something goes wrong, it’s clearly my fault and I should have to pay the penalty.  But, if I really had to pay the price for the “wrong” in my life, I would have died years ago!  My God is so full of grace.  He doesn’t expect me to approach this life on my own.  In fact, He commands me to place no other gods before Him–even the god “control.”  Pregnancy is completely out of my control–the way the baby grows, the gender, the sickness, the weight gain, the length and progression of labor, the type of delivery.  While it is about letting go of trying to control those things, it’s more about trusting God through it all.  Knowing that He really does care about being in relationship with me, no matter how small my worry or concern.  It’s about not living in fear of the things to come, but rather in the light of His grace and love.  It’s about allowing myself to receive His grace, especially when I don’t think I deserve it.

I am humbled that God loves me.  I am in awe of the man He gave me to live this life with.  Nate is a man so full of grace and patience.  Did he know just how immature I was a few years ago?!  If my husband shows unexplainable grace and love to me in this imperfect relationship we call marriage, how much more my perfect Creator knows and loves me!  WOW!  I certainly didn’t know I was getting into this journey 9 months ago!

So, I haven’t told very many of my co-workers that we’re expecting.  I’ve been wearing “chunky” clothes for the past two weeks to cover up my growing (but small) belly because I just haven’t been ready to tell my students.  Well, Tuesday, a couple of girls in my 5th period class were snickering and whispering to themselves.  They even asked my co-teacher if I was expecting.  She told them to ask me, but of course, they didn’t.

Today is Thursday.  I was informed by another teacher (and friend) that this small group of girls was growing and now several of my students from different classes (!) were wondering if I’m pregnant.  They were discussing it in her homeroom this morning.  She told them they should talk to me.

It’s not that I don’t want the students to know, it’s just that I was trying to hold off for 1 more week.  Well, I can see that’s not going to happen! So, today during SSR, I pulled out the 3 girls responsible for this little “rumor” and asked them if they wanted to ask me a question.  It was quite cute the way they all giggled and looked at each other.  Italy was the only brave one among them.  “Well,” she started, “We were just wondering if” *giggle, gigle*  “I mean, um, are you…” and this she literally whispered “pregnant?”

I smiled and told them I am, and they all sighed and gave me a hug.  I figured I’d make it a learning point and let them know they were always welcome to ask me instead of asking around.  After all, I heard from someone who heard from someone else, and boy, if I wasn’t pregnant, I sure would feel pretty lousy to think that all of these people now think I’ve gained weight that I could be pregnant!  I told them it was better just to ask me up front.  Afterall, I can be a really nice person. (-:

So, the word is out.  And the best part is, I don’t have to wear “chunky” clothes anymore!!