Looking back over the past few weeks, I wanted to record some of my thoughts and insights. We have been studying the life of Moses and the children of Israel. The study is subtitled, “Discovering Jesus through the life of Moses.” What a discovery I have made! Here is a quick journal entry from this past week:

A few weeks ago we talked about sharing in and seeing God’s glory. Moses asked God if he could see God’s glory. It was a remarkable experience for Moses, and probably life-changing (I mean, his face “shone like the sun!”). It was a challenging lesson for me to visualize and wrap my mind around. One of the verses that week really got to me; “if we are to share in Christ’s glory we must also share in His suffering.” I really don’t like that verse. I don’t want to suffer. Kill me, fine, but suffer? I don’t know if I could make it.

Last week, as Molly and I were driving to visit my parents, we were listening to the Kid’s Church worship cd. I was singing along, worshipping with those precious voices when suddenly it occurred to me… I would do/give absolutely ANYTHING so that Molly would know and love Jesus. It is my deepest desire that she will live in relationship with the Lord all the days of her life. Then it hit me… that’s what our Heavenly Father did! He longed so desperately for His children to have a relationship with Him that He sent His SON! That has a whole new meaning to me now! And Jesus suffered. Oh, my, did He suffer. And He did it so willingly. Did He think to Himself, “I would do absolutely ANYTHING to have a relationship with Sara, my precious daughter?” He must have, because He suffered and died for ME.

I still haven’t wrapped my mind around the idea of suffering and I surely don’t want to suffer. But I do know this: God has not/will not ask me to do anything He did not do Himself. And above all else, He is with me every step of the way. Oh, that I might know Him deeper and live a changed life. That is my prayer today.

I’ve always been a planner.  I had my whole life planned out during my twenties.  I was going to go to college, meet a great man, and get married.  CHECK!  Then, I was going to be a teacher and enjoy life as a newlywed.  CHECK!  In my later twenties, I planned to buy a home with my husband and enjoy a little traveling.  CHECK!  I figured we’d start a family by the time I turned 30…

It’s a little scary to me how planned I made my life.  Through God’s incredible blessings, we’ve had AMAZING opportunities these last several years.  However, I will never forget the September evening Nate and I sat in the car in the parking lot at church and I suddenly realized I didn’t want to plan my life anymore.  I was tired of having all the little ducks in a row and was ready to jump in, completely, into starting a family.  I never really thought I’d reach that point, being the control freak that I am, but I’m so glad I did!

Thus brings us to this moment in time.  I’m quite the “thinker” and tend to analyze just about everything in life, so bear with me…

Over the past 11 months, I’ve grown in more ways than I could have imagined.

Physically:  This is obvious!  Yet, as my belly has stretched, I have learned to limit myself.  I simply can’t push myself to accomplish as much as I used to.  I wasn’t able to continue jogging past month 4.  I had to start asking my students to do things for me in the classroom.  I wasn’t able to make dinner, pack lunches, unload the dishwasher, wash dinner dishes, etc. all in one evening.  And I have to admit, I was a little shocked that everything didn’t fall apart when I didn’t finish everything on my to-do list!

Emotionally:  Slowly, I’m learning to let go of control.  We made a conscience decision at the beginning of our pregnancy NOT to find out the gender of this precious one I’m carrying.  I know this is just the beginning of letting go of control.  I like to control things; it makes me feel safe.  After all, I’m a teacher!  I “control” my own little world 5 days a week.  As I let go, however, I realize how insecure I really am.  It’s not about what I accomplish or control, but rather how I approach each situation and trust God to give me wisdom for the moment.  Anne Lamott says that “the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.  Certainty is missing the point entirely.”  Somehow I convince myself that with control comes certainty.  Yes, I realize how illogical that sounds, but it’s been my mantra for a while.  I am slowly learning to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.  For there is very, very little that I actually have control over.  Which leads me to faith…

Spiritually:  Our God is a God of GRACE.  Oh, how desperately I need His grace.  I’m so hard on myself, thinking life is about what I accomplish.  He has blessed me beyond belief these last 30 years.  Everything I have is a gift from Him.  Yet, my warped human experience makes me think it’s about the things I have and the accomplishments I’ve had.  This brings me back to the control issue.  If something goes wrong, it’s clearly my fault and I should have to pay the penalty.  But, if I really had to pay the price for the “wrong” in my life, I would have died years ago!  My God is so full of grace.  He doesn’t expect me to approach this life on my own.  In fact, He commands me to place no other gods before Him–even the god “control.”  Pregnancy is completely out of my control–the way the baby grows, the gender, the sickness, the weight gain, the length and progression of labor, the type of delivery.  While it is about letting go of trying to control those things, it’s more about trusting God through it all.  Knowing that He really does care about being in relationship with me, no matter how small my worry or concern.  It’s about not living in fear of the things to come, but rather in the light of His grace and love.  It’s about allowing myself to receive His grace, especially when I don’t think I deserve it.

I am humbled that God loves me.  I am in awe of the man He gave me to live this life with.  Nate is a man so full of grace and patience.  Did he know just how immature I was a few years ago?!  If my husband shows unexplainable grace and love to me in this imperfect relationship we call marriage, how much more my perfect Creator knows and loves me!  WOW!  I certainly didn’t know I was getting into this journey 9 months ago!

Several of my students from last year have stopped in to say “hello” over the past couple of days. The high school campus is right next door to the middle school. It’s good to see them again. They are growing up. This year’s kids seem so much younger and don’t know “my ways” yet. I will not worry though; I’ll whip them into shape soon enough and will cherish them as much as the others (I hope).

I’ve been listening to John Mayer‘s latest release “Where the Light Is, Live in Los Angeles.” WOW! Is he ever a good blues guitarist! I can’t get enough of this two-disc set! I think my new favorite song (at least for this week) is “In Your Atmosphere.” Whew…good stuff.

My cousin Emily (yes, she’s my cousin) had an awesome post yesterday! Sure is cool to work on the Warner Bros lot… Go here to read about jamba juice and zac levi…

Nate and I had an incredibly relaxing weekend over the Labor Day holiday. We were given an amazing gift of a getaway weekend at the Four Season’s Biltmore in Santa Barbara. We got hot stone massages, ordered room service, had a champagne brunch, rode bikes to Stearn’s Warf and lounged by the pool. It was AMAZING! It was our first experience with such luxury. Our cottage was across the street from the beach and we listened to the ocean 24/7. It was true bliss! I shall write more details about our weekend at another time.

Until next time, friends, I hope you all are making a smooth transition back into the regular schedules and routines the Fall brings…

Surprisingly, I’m *not* singing the end-of-summer blues like I was last year. It’s been a good summer, and I’m grateful for some time off.

Some of my summer highlights include:

• spending a week in Tahoe with Nate’s parents and the Stewart family
• taking a tour of the Warner Brothers Studios (thanks, Emily!)
• spending a weekend thrift-store shopping with my grandma and mom
• having lunch with some neat women
• traveling to Philadelphia and New York for my precious friend’s wedding
• spending lots of busy (but fun) days with our friends Dan and Sandra (I miss you guys!)
• spending the weekend with my beautiful friend Taryn
• watching the Los Angeles Galaxy play a few games at the Home Depot Center
• running the America’s Finest City Half-Marathon (in San Diego)
• watching as much Olympics as NBC could air

In addition to all of this “fun” stuff, I had the opportunity to do some staff development (a.k.a. “teaching teachers”) in the Stockton Unified School District and Compton Unified School District. Both were very interesting experiences! I think I expected a little too much from these teachers. I thought they would be great students, excited about learning a new math program. Boy was I wrong! There were a few teachers who eagerly accepted our teaching, but I was surprised by how many teachers were very, very difficult students. I even caught a few teachers cheating (copying homework from others, answering test questions together, etc.). I was so disappointed! I really did not expect to be in the presence of a bunch of overgrown, whiny 8th graders! Alas, it was not all bad. It was a great experience and I actually had fun (after all, just like in my classroom, I had to convince these people that what I had to say was interesting and important…a challenge I love). Who knows if this experience will lead me elsewhere, but I was grateful for a few weeks of something new (and a little extra money on the side).

So, now, more than ever, I’m ready to go back to my classroom. I’m excited and the back-to-school nightmares are minimal. Despite the many, many challenges our schools face in the state of California this year, I am thankful for a new school year and a great job.

I *love* new beginnings…

Today is your day–Happy 30th Birthday! I am so proud to be your wife. You are a wonderful man. To honor you today, I will list 30 of my favorite things about you:

30) I like how passionate you are about programming–it’s much more than a job, it’s your calling.

29) I like how much you care about people–you give everyone the “benefit of the doubt.”

28) I like how fearlessly you lead our HOA–no matter how ridiculous it can get.

27) I like the way you love on Dakota–she may only be a kitty, but it’s a small taste of things to come.

26) I like the way you run with me–your encouragement means so much.

25) I like how when buying for others you always say “yes”–no matter what the cost.

24) I like the way you lead our family–financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

23) I like the way everyone you come in contact with seems to respect you–you’re an honorable man.

22) I like the way you’re always up for a ride up the coast or a walk around the block no matter what time it is.

21) I like how you’re willing to go grocery shopping with me–just to push the cart.

20) I like how you pray for us each night, committing our future plans and dreams to the Lord.

19) I like that you’re always patient…always.

18) I like how you listen to me when I talk–you *always* listen.

17) I admire how good a friend you are to “your guys”–you truly value them.

16) I admire your integrity–you are a man of great character.

15) I love the way you love me and always want what’s best for me.

14) I like the way you let me get Starbucks when I need to lesson plan…or just because.

13) I like the way you’re always willing to eat ice cream just because I want to.

12) I like the way you lead your ushering team.

11) I like the way you’re getting the whole family to blog–you are a patient teacher.

10) I like the way you enjoy soccer and the Olympics–you are a model of good sportsmanship.

9) I admire how you build relationships–people are important to you.

8 ) I appreciate the time you spend listening to me passionately tell you about my day–8th graders and all.

7) I like hearing about your day and the projects you’re working on at work–you have an incredible work ethic.

6) I like your homemade macaroni-and-cheese.

5) I like the way you rub my feet when we’re sitting on the couch watching “Friends.”

4) I like the way you plan special get-away weekends for us.

3) I like your desire to learn–you never get bored and can always find something new and interesting on wikipedia.

2) I like the way you can explain such complex concepts in “regular” language.

1) I admire your loyalty–thanks for choosing me!

Happy 30th Birthday, my love! My life is so much richer because of you…

~sara

I’ve had some heavy stuff on my heart this past week.  I’m a thinker and a problem-solver.  I like to have a well-thought-out plan and execute its steps in order.  I make sure the plan is logical and usually just “think” my way through life’s decisions.  While I can grow quite passionate about teaching and loving on students, I am not usually a “feeler”– I don’t follow my emotions when making decisions.

The problem is, life (and especially life with Christ) should not always be a logical, well-thought-out process.  In fact, the very idea of faith is based on trusting and obeying the Lord even if it doesn’t make sense.  I struggle with that.  How do I trust in a plan or life that I can’t methodically sort out in my mind?  Is that even responsible of me?  Shouldn’t I figure out the consequences of my actions before acting?

God is doing a work on my heart.  It’s so scary because it doesn’t make logical sense.  How can I really trust Him without feeling like I’m being irresponsible?

Because God isn’t finished revealing Himself to me yet!

I’m afraid I’ve put Him in a box and I live by the idea that “God helps those who help themselves.”  But God is so much greater than that, and I’m ready to change my thinking.  I’m ready to see how great God really is.

Tom said, “People who grow and change do so in a quest or a crisis.”  I’ve decided.  I’m not going to wait for the crisis.  Instead, I’m staring a quest.  A quest to make my Lord true Master of my life–Adonai.  A quest to see the greatness of God on a whole new scale.

I’m scared as heck, but I’m ready.

Of course, filling my mind with junk isn’t the only thing I’ve been doing lately.  I’ve had a chance to visit a few friends, make cookies, and use my breadmachine too.  In fact, in a hour or so I will be heading out to take my favorite cousin lunch at her work!  The smell of warm garlic herb bread currently fills the house…

As much as junk TV (by that I mean talkshows, court shows, etc.) can turn my mind to mush, it sure gives me a great deal to think about.  For example, the first segment of the Rachel Ray Show this morning was a “kitchen table” debate about women and casual sex.  It was all very interesting and stimulated many, many opinions in my mind.  Dakota may have gotten an earful!  The next segment was about a stay-at-home mom with 4 absolutely unruly boys who have destroyed much of the house (damaged the outside of the garage with golf clubs, wrote on furniture and walls, tore up the carpet, etc.).  Rachel was sending in an “expert” to help the mom fix all of the damaged pieces and safeguard them against any future beatings.  Fortunately, I got a phone call before I got too into the segment.  I was enraged!!!!   The  issue isn’t the damage to the house, it’s the lack of discipline!  And yet, everyone seemed to laugh (uncomfortably, I might add) as one of the boys continued to pull up the carpet while talking to the expert about a home makeover.  Please!  Woe to the teachers who will have the little twerps in their classrooms next year!

All this to say, that perhaps I think a little too deeply for these types of programs.  And I don’t even know if most of them warrant the time it takes to develop an opinion.  Are there really people out there that think casual sex and safeguarding your stuff against unruly children are important enough to talk about?

(yes, yes, I see the irony!)

(Me and my beautiful niece, Sophie)

I guess we are at that age.  Like when we were at the age when everyone seemed to be getting braces (I was a late bloomer on that one; I didn’t get mine until high school).  Then it seemed everyone was graduating and going away to college.  That stage was soon followed by the era of starting careers and marriages.  And now here I stand smack dab in the middle of the “starting a family” stage.

I’m a rather introspective person.  I enjoy learning from other people through reading, conversations, and observations.  I like to reflect on my learning and make future decisions based on my conclusions.  I’ve always had pretty high expectations of myself and I greatly fear failure.  The point of learning from others is so I won’t have to make the same mistakes they made but can beat myself up royally when I do.  On the converse, if I learn from others how to do something correctly, perhaps I can have the same positive results they had.

I tend to approach most of life this way.  “Learn from the teachers you observe in the credential program,” I told myself, “that way you can be a great teacher when you get into your own classroom.”  “Watch the ‘good wives’ in the church so you’ll know how to take good care of your husband someday.”  And now, here I stand peeking through the window of motherhood.  “Read all the books and blogs you can,” I tell myself now.  “Learn from the new moms at church and work.”  I fill my head with all kinds of knowledge of experiences, but no actual mommy experience.

It’s quite overwhelming!  I mean, the ladies I’ve been watching and keeping up with are amazing! The more I learn, the more inadequate I feel.  How did they make it through 9 long months of an extreme body makeover followed by 20 hours of excruciating labor and many long weeks of adjustment to a new life.  The sleepless nights, the morning sickness, the awkwardness of their own body.  The bringing home of a little person totally dependent on you, the new relationship you have with your spouse, the constant schedule changes, the new experiences…

HEAVEN HELP ME!

How will I ever be able to be a mommy!?

I’m simply peeking through the window.  I know my view is limited.  After all, I can’t hear what’s going on on the other side.  I can’t taste or smell or touch all that mommyhood entails.  I can only use one of the senses God has given me.  And while I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn from others, I must know in my heart that my experiences are coming.  That God, in His amazing love, will give me the wisdom and strength I need when that time comes and I open the window, ever so gently, and step through it myself.

This creates a particularly interesting challenge for me. I teach the 8th graders who hate math (and usually school in general). If I thought the first 10 months of school weren’t challenging enough, June is definitely going to push me to my limit! I’m running low on patience, and my creativity is in short supply. Yet, I still have 4 more weeks of 90-minute periods with rambunctious teenagers. What ever am I going to do?!

Games. That’s what I’ll do! I’ll find a way to trick them into learning for at least 3 more weeks (it really is hopeless to do anything productive the last week of school!). This week, we’re doing a bit of geometry review. If only there was a bingo game that practiced geometric terms and definitions. Well, there isn’t one appropriate for teenagers (I teach remedial kids, but they’re still 13, they’re not going to play “baby” games). Alas, Lakeshore had nothing worth buying. Like most materials I store in my classroom, I’ll have to make it myself.

Have you ever made a Bingo game before? It really isn’t difficult…unless of course you want to make 20 unique game boards. I mean, you can only cut and paste so many times before Microsoft Word freaks out and asks for the rest of the afternoon off.

Enter my Totally Awesome, Super Cool Husband…

He created a program, a computer program, that generates 20 unique game boards…and he did it in one evening! WOW!! No more cut and paste for me! No need to create 20 different tables and cut-and-paste each square. Now I have a computer program to do all the work and an exciting Geometry Bingo game for my students to play tomorrow.

The last three weeks are definitely looking up…just think of the possibilities! Algebra Bingo, Decimal Bingo, Fraction Bingo, Percent Bingo, Division Bingo, Place Value Bingo…

Thanks, Nate…you’re my hero!

I hope your Christmas was as memorable as ours. We are truly blessed by God’s goodness, and ever thankful for the gift of His Son…the true meaning of Christmas!