I’ve always been a planner.  I had my whole life planned out during my twenties.  I was going to go to college, meet a great man, and get married.  CHECK!  Then, I was going to be a teacher and enjoy life as a newlywed.  CHECK!  In my later twenties, I planned to buy a home with my husband and enjoy a little traveling.  CHECK!  I figured we’d start a family by the time I turned 30…

It’s a little scary to me how planned I made my life.  Through God’s incredible blessings, we’ve had AMAZING opportunities these last several years.  However, I will never forget the September evening Nate and I sat in the car in the parking lot at church and I suddenly realized I didn’t want to plan my life anymore.  I was tired of having all the little ducks in a row and was ready to jump in, completely, into starting a family.  I never really thought I’d reach that point, being the control freak that I am, but I’m so glad I did!

Thus brings us to this moment in time.  I’m quite the “thinker” and tend to analyze just about everything in life, so bear with me…

Over the past 11 months, I’ve grown in more ways than I could have imagined.

Physically:  This is obvious!  Yet, as my belly has stretched, I have learned to limit myself.  I simply can’t push myself to accomplish as much as I used to.  I wasn’t able to continue jogging past month 4.  I had to start asking my students to do things for me in the classroom.  I wasn’t able to make dinner, pack lunches, unload the dishwasher, wash dinner dishes, etc. all in one evening.  And I have to admit, I was a little shocked that everything didn’t fall apart when I didn’t finish everything on my to-do list!

Emotionally:  Slowly, I’m learning to let go of control.  We made a conscience decision at the beginning of our pregnancy NOT to find out the gender of this precious one I’m carrying.  I know this is just the beginning of letting go of control.  I like to control things; it makes me feel safe.  After all, I’m a teacher!  I “control” my own little world 5 days a week.  As I let go, however, I realize how insecure I really am.  It’s not about what I accomplish or control, but rather how I approach each situation and trust God to give me wisdom for the moment.  Anne Lamott says that “the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.  Certainty is missing the point entirely.”  Somehow I convince myself that with control comes certainty.  Yes, I realize how illogical that sounds, but it’s been my mantra for a while.  I am slowly learning to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.  For there is very, very little that I actually have control over.  Which leads me to faith…

Spiritually:  Our God is a God of GRACE.  Oh, how desperately I need His grace.  I’m so hard on myself, thinking life is about what I accomplish.  He has blessed me beyond belief these last 30 years.  Everything I have is a gift from Him.  Yet, my warped human experience makes me think it’s about the things I have and the accomplishments I’ve had.  This brings me back to the control issue.  If something goes wrong, it’s clearly my fault and I should have to pay the penalty.  But, if I really had to pay the price for the “wrong” in my life, I would have died years ago!  My God is so full of grace.  He doesn’t expect me to approach this life on my own.  In fact, He commands me to place no other gods before Him–even the god “control.”  Pregnancy is completely out of my control–the way the baby grows, the gender, the sickness, the weight gain, the length and progression of labor, the type of delivery.  While it is about letting go of trying to control those things, it’s more about trusting God through it all.  Knowing that He really does care about being in relationship with me, no matter how small my worry or concern.  It’s about not living in fear of the things to come, but rather in the light of His grace and love.  It’s about allowing myself to receive His grace, especially when I don’t think I deserve it.

I am humbled that God loves me.  I am in awe of the man He gave me to live this life with.  Nate is a man so full of grace and patience.  Did he know just how immature I was a few years ago?!  If my husband shows unexplainable grace and love to me in this imperfect relationship we call marriage, how much more my perfect Creator knows and loves me!  WOW!  I certainly didn’t know I was getting into this journey 9 months ago!

I’m exhausted. Really. This time of year is so tiring already, and with a growing belly, I am ready for Spring Break more than ever!

I’ve had a student teacher since January. It’s been a good experience, but a challenging one as well. I usually spend my mornings and prep periods preparing myself quietly (kind of an “introvert” thing). But, I’ve been sharing those times with a beginning teacher these last several weeks. I’ve also been sharing my classroom and my students. Most of us teachers went into the classroom because we are independent workers who get to rule our own little worlds for 6 hours a day. It’s been great to have a student teacher, but I’m definitely ready for some downtime.
My students are really excited about this little one growing inside of me. They make comments that I just have to write down. I don’t want to forget anything about this amazing experience…
“My, Mrs. Jones. You’re getting so big. You have to make it until August?!”
“I think you’re carrying a boy because you’re carrying low like my sister.”
“I think you’re carrying a boy because you’re more round.” From the other side of the room, “No, boys are longer, girls are rounder.”
“Have you picked out baby names yet? I really think you should name the baby after me.” Let’s get one thing straight…most names are “out” because I’ve had a student by that name!
My neighbor teacher suggested I make a box for baby name suggestions as well as parenting advice. I think that’s a great idea! Eighth graders are so fun!!

I graduated from A.B. Miller High School in Fontana.  It was a great place to go to school.  I was involved in the AP program, I sang in the choir, I ran track and cross-country, and I was a leader in a couple of clubs over the 4 years I was there.  The school population was diverse (ethnically speaking as well as socio-economically).  The teachers I had were outstanding.  I had a solid group of friends.  I look back on high school with fond memories.

And now, 12 years later, the school has been identified as one of the most “underperforming schools” in California.  My heart is sad.  Not because of what has happened to our school, but because politicians still think they can rank schools, teachers, and precious students according to some unrealistic scale of “success!”  Among my group of friends who graduated in the 90s from A.B. Miller are teachers, architects, EMTs, stay-at-home-moms, accountants, reading specialists, speech therapists, and engineers.  How could all of those students come out of such a “low-performing” institution?  Clearly, the level of success our high schoolers have in the future is more a reflection of their family and personal desire and motivation to achieve high standards than the ranking of schools by the government!

I feel very passionate about this (as if you couldn’t tell!).  So many of us who go into education do it because our hearts give us no other options.  Yes, there are some lousy teachers out there (and I had a few over the years), but there are some phenomenal people in our schools as well.  As Christ-followers, our calling goes even beyond where our hearts lead us.  We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that our classroom is our mission field.  We have been called by our Creator to love his kids…and NOT just the ones in higher achieving, more exclusive communities.

I am an advocate for public education.  Nate and I plan to send our children into our community’s schools.  We are a part of the education process as parents.  Our children have a responsibility to their family and to themselves to work toward success.  The government (state and federal) will not scare me about our schools.  I know that to the politicians, our kids are nothing but numbers and test scores; as well as one of the greatest strains on the economy.  However, I choose to believe that God is greater than any of that.  Public education is a wonderful and important part of our community.  The success of our future generations lies in relationships (with friends, families, teachers, community members, and churches), not in the numbers and lists provided by out-of-touch government officials.

We’re at the time of year where my students have started challenging me on some of my “rules.”  They just want to be sure the rules still apply (after all, it has been over 6 months since the start of the school year).  It’s a never ending job enforcing the rules and remaining “firm, fair, and consistent.”  But here’s the funny part…when I actually call the kids out on their behavior, they don’t really act surprised.  For example, I had a girl stay after school today to serve a 30 minute detention because she’s been tardy to Homeroom 4 times in the last few weeks.  She cleaned the desks, straightened chairs, and graded mad minutes.  At the end she smiled and said, “Have a nice weekend, Mrs. Jones.”  I just made her stay after school, on a Friday, no less.  Yet, she still wishes me a good weekend?

Another student, who I ran with today during the jogathon, commented to me that I’m going to make a good mom because I call him out on things when he knows he should act better.  I just had a very serious conversation with this kid yesterday outside of the classroom about how he needed to act more appropriately in class and get on task.  I was quite stern about it.  He said that was a good thing?  Apparently that’s the type of discipline that works for him.

I guess discipline really is about love, though.  I have expectations, I’ve given good reason for those expectations, and I hold every student accountable to them.  It’s not my job to be their friend.  It is my job, however to model respect and train them to be responsible, decent people in our little community of a classroom.  That’s the ultimate sign of love.

It’s just interesting that they really do, deep down, want that too.

• I submitted 3rd quarter progress reports this afternoon.  30 of my 120 kids are failing.  25% of my students are failing!!  Where have I gone wrong?  “You can lead a horse to water…yada, yada, yada.”  It just makes me sad.
• 50 of my students (including the 30 above) will be getting a progress report because they are earning a C- or below.  )-:
• I had a girl in one period suspended today for buying marijuana.  She bought it from one of the top students in the school.
• I have a boy in one of my classes who was suspended all last week for selling weed.  He missed all of my classes again this week, simply because he did not come to school.  And, may I mention, he has a tattoo on his forearm that his mom approved of him getting.  *sigh*
• Another boy ditched my class twice this week.  He was here at school earlier and his friends came looking for him after school, but he just thinks he doesn’t need to attend my class.  (I’m pretty sure he’s high many days as well).
• I have a girl who stole $53 worth of books from the school book fair today.  She stole books!
• Another one of my students (a boy) went to a teacher friend today to tell him a girl in his social group is making fun of him calling him a “fag” and “gay.”  He was so distraught he literally sat in my friend’s classroom and cried!

My heart simply aches for these kids!  Dear Jesus, am I having any influence on these precious beings You’ve created?  I worked 52 hours this week FOR MY KIDS.  Not that I regret it.  I just am so sad that so many of them come from situations where life really is that bad.  Oh, God, send some mercy into my classroom.  May it be a safe place for these kids who long for so much more than this life on earth can give.  Amen.

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So, I haven’t told very many of my co-workers that we’re expecting.  I’ve been wearing “chunky” clothes for the past two weeks to cover up my growing (but small) belly because I just haven’t been ready to tell my students.  Well, Tuesday, a couple of girls in my 5th period class were snickering and whispering to themselves.  They even asked my co-teacher if I was expecting.  She told them to ask me, but of course, they didn’t.

Today is Thursday.  I was informed by another teacher (and friend) that this small group of girls was growing and now several of my students from different classes (!) were wondering if I’m pregnant.  They were discussing it in her homeroom this morning.  She told them they should talk to me.

It’s not that I don’t want the students to know, it’s just that I was trying to hold off for 1 more week.  Well, I can see that’s not going to happen! So, today during SSR, I pulled out the 3 girls responsible for this little “rumor” and asked them if they wanted to ask me a question.  It was quite cute the way they all giggled and looked at each other.  Italy was the only brave one among them.  “Well,” she started, “We were just wondering if” *giggle, gigle*  “I mean, um, are you…” and this she literally whispered “pregnant?”

I smiled and told them I am, and they all sighed and gave me a hug.  I figured I’d make it a learning point and let them know they were always welcome to ask me instead of asking around.  After all, I heard from someone who heard from someone else, and boy, if I wasn’t pregnant, I sure would feel pretty lousy to think that all of these people now think I’ve gained weight that I could be pregnant!  I told them it was better just to ask me up front.  Afterall, I can be a really nice person. (-:

So, the word is out.  And the best part is, I don’t have to wear “chunky” clothes anymore!!

It’s official.  I’m thirty years old today.  The funny thing is, I don’t feel any different or paranoid about getting older.  It’s supposed to be a major milestone, but it just feels like any other birthday…really.

The truth is, I’m so grateful for where I am (we are) in life.  God is truly amazing!  His blessings never cease to amaze me.  I stand so humbled to have been given such a wonderful life thus far.  As I look back over this past decade, I am so proud of and thankful for the experiences I’ve had.  There is nothing more I could possibly wish for!

• At 21, I ran my first marathon (I’ve run 5 more since and 4 half marathons).
• At 22, I graduated from Azusa Pacific University with a Bachelor’s in Liberal Arts.
• At 22 and 1/2, I married the man of my dreams.
• At 24, I earned my Multiple Subject Teaching Credential and enjoyed an incredibly challenging year as a 1st grade teacher at Mayflower Elementary School.
• At 25, we moved to West L.A., where I began a whole new adventure as a Middle School Math teacher (and I’ve loved almost every minute of it!).
• At 26, we went on a mission trip to Kenya, where we met Hilary, the boy we’ve been supporting for 5 years now.  My perspective on the world, and my understanding of our great God, has never been the same!
• At 26 and 1/2, we bought our first home (and it’s absolutely perfect!).
• At 29, we visited Germany, Amsterdam, and Salzburg.  A trip of a lifetime.
• At 29 and 1/2, I became pregnant with our first child.

I’m overwhelmed by God’s goodness.  I look forward to another decade of trusting Him and growing as a woman, wife and mommy.  I can’t even imagine the adventures He has in store!