“How grateful we are, our Heavenly Father…”

That’s how my Grandpa Wallace started every prayer.

Then he would go into all the things he was grateful for:

“…For Your kindness to us; for Your mercy; for Your grace; for our family….”

He would often say, “Sara, God is so good to me.  He has given me so much in my life and I don’t deserve it.”  In my eyes, Grandpa was such a good man, God-fearing, wise, and full of grace himself.  If anyone deserved God’s love and goodness, it was him.

But, Grandpa knew himself.  He knew that on his own, he was not good or loving.  He knew that it was only by God’s grace and mercy that he was blessed.  He understood that everything he had was a gift…not earned or deserved.

I am humbled when I think of my Grandpa Wallace.  His father died when he was four years old and Grandpa started working at a young age to help support his mother and brother and sister.  He used to tell me about life in Brooklyn.  He told of the times he and his friends would hop the fence onto someone else’s property, just because they could.

He told of the time he and his friends were smoking cigarettes (as teenagers) when one of their teachers walked past them.  He said they quickly stuffed the cigs in their pockets as they didn’t want her to know they were smoking.  Looking back on it, he would laugh, realizing that the smoke wafting from their pockets was probably a dead giveaway as to what they were up to.

He told of the evening he went to a revival service and met my Grandma for the first time.  It wasn’t long before he fell in love with and wanted to marry her.  Knowing she was a Christian and that he had better get his act together if he wanted such a woman’s hand, he gave his life to the Lord and quit smoking.  Just like that.  He knew what was right and did it.

He told me of their first few years of marriage.  How they lived in a small apartment on the second floor of someone’s house.  He told of how they both got off of work from the factories late into the evening and would go out to dinner together.  Steak and coffee…I think that’s what they ate together.

My grandpa graduated from High School much later in his life (I think my dad was a kid at the time).  He never talked about his regrets or wished he had lived differently.

He was faithful.  After my grandma died, he never had a desire to remarry.  He led singing, taught Sunday School, and gave faithfully to his church.  He lived on very little and gave to several organizations.  And he always did it joyfully.  He never told anyone how much he gave and he never let his generosity and servanthood bring him glory.  Everything he did, he did unto the Lord.

My Grandpa spent countless hours reading the Bible. He bought himself a word processor and then a computer so that he could type up his Bible studies. He prayed without ceasing. Oh, how he prayed. I know he prayed for his children and grandchildren daily. He prayed for his church. He prayed for his city, our country, our leaders.

My Grandpa Wallace was a good man.  I was thinking about him this morning.  I wish he could have met Molly.  He would be so happy to see his great-granddaughter. These days, I see so much of my Grandpa in my Dad.  I am so grateful his legacy continues.

How grateful I am, Heavenly Father, for blessing me with such a wonderful grandpa.  How I pray that my life will reflect your goodness and mercy as well.

Hmmm…

Do I have a choice?

Is there a possibility?

Would she be missing out?

Is it even up to me?

Princesses. I’ve never been a big fan.

I love make-believe. My first imaginary friend (YM) arrived when I was two. I spent countless hours “pretending” and playing with dolls. My friends and I spent our summer days building houses out of lawn chairs and other paraphernalia around our garages. Recesses were spent imagining we lived in the Old West and stories continued from morning recess to lunch recess and, if we were lucky, afternoon recess. (I can’t remember the details but I remember hiding in our “basement” during at least 2 recesses while we waited for a tornado to pass over us).

Imagination. It was my job. I spent my days and nights making up stories and characters.

But, princesses. Why does that particular imaginary play bother me so much? Is it because princesses often live with a sense of  ”entitlement?” Is it because Disney took care of all the details—no need to make up stories or costumes, you can buy them at the store? Or maybe it’s because all the little girls are into princesses and I HATE following the crowd.

Whatever it is, I hope I can allow Molly to enjoy whatever it is she wants to play as she grows into a little girl. I won’t be buying into the Disney movies or
costumes. She will, however, have a box full of dress-up clothes, I’m sure. There will be dolls and play food and play kitchens and imaginative props of all sorts. I
hope Molly develops a rich land of make-believe.

But, princesses…? I hope they don’t come into our home pre-packaged.

One of the blogs I follow and really enjoy has a “virtual coffee” post on a pretty weekly basis. It’s just a short “chat over coffee” kind of post. I thought I might try a little coffee myself…

If we were having coffee this afternoon, it would probably be iced. The weather is quite warm today. Molly and I walked to Smart & Final and then to Vons for our weekly shopping trips. On our first outing, I was wearing jeans, but by 11:00, I was in a skirt and t-shirt.

If we were having coffee together, I would definitely ask how you are doing? What are you learning right now? Do you have any opinions from this weekend’s EVENT?

If you’re a mama, I’d probably eventually ask you how you do it. How do you give yourself grace to just be each day and not set unrealistic expectations of yourself? I mean, I am so blessed to be home full time! I am beyond grateful! Yet, no matter how hard I work, I can never get my house clean enough, cook enough meals from scratch, find enough money saving strategies at the grocery store, read my Bible enough, or, of course, exercise enough (honestly, when do you find the time?!). Like everything else in life, I approach my life at home as something I must earn daily. If I don’t do enough I might get fired, or at least asked to start contributing to the household finances. (Just to be clear, these are my thoughts and feelings…Nate is so gracious to me and tells me how grateful he is that I do what I do everyday. He would NEVER demand more of me!).

If we were together today, you would probably give me a hug and tell me you know EXACTLY what I’m going through.  You would also remind me that no one is keeping score. Nate isn’t, Molly isn’t, you aren’t, and our Heavenly Father certainly isn’t. I would know you’re right and I would thank you for not trying to fix my problem, but just listening. After all, that’s why we met for coffee in the first place.

~Sara

I’ve been reading about homeschooling lately. Yeah, I kinda surprise myself sometimes. Various conversations and people have brought this topic to mind lately. I’m simply reading about homeschooling as an educational option in general, not specifically for our family (necessarily).

Homeschool versus public/traditional school…it’s always been an “us versus them” mentality. As a public school teacher (and a graduate of both private & public schools) I tend to land on the side of “traditional schooling.” I’ve just started researching lately. Not because there was anything wrong with my own schooling or because I want anything different for my family, but simply to open my mind to other families and methods of school. Notice I say “school” and not “education” or “learning.” Above all else, I am a supporter and proponent of life-long learning and education. We are our children’s first and most influential teachers no matter where they attend school.

I definitely have my reasons for “traditional” schooling. Among them are:

• There are awesome teachers in our community; I really don’t want to rob my children of the opportunity to be influenced by other great people.
• I want my children to have opportunities to be independent from our family. I want the independence process to be developmentally appropriate, of course, and gradual.
• I want my children to have opportunities to explore topics/interests that are different from my own. I don’t want to limit their exposure to everything they can learn based on my limited intellect and personal interests.

But above all else…

• I want my children to be “salt and light” to our community. I want them to shine brightly for Jesus in their classrooms for their teachers and their peers. I know, without a doubt, that God, who walks with me each day, will walk with my children every step of their educational journey and beyond.

This is where I stand on schooling right now. Could my mind change? Perhaps. That’s why I want to approach my research and readings with an open mind. Schooling looks different for different situations and families. It shouldn’t be an “us versus them” argument. Learning can be, and often is, just as important and intentional to traditional schooling families as it is to homeschooling families.

We have several years before Molly begins school. We already started learning together seven months ago. We shall see where our education takes us.

Looking back over the past few weeks, I wanted to record some of my thoughts and insights. We have been studying the life of Moses and the children of Israel. The study is subtitled, “Discovering Jesus through the life of Moses.” What a discovery I have made! Here is a quick journal entry from this past week:

A few weeks ago we talked about sharing in and seeing God’s glory. Moses asked God if he could see God’s glory. It was a remarkable experience for Moses, and probably life-changing (I mean, his face “shone like the sun!”). It was a challenging lesson for me to visualize and wrap my mind around. One of the verses that week really got to me; “if we are to share in Christ’s glory we must also share in His suffering.” I really don’t like that verse. I don’t want to suffer. Kill me, fine, but suffer? I don’t know if I could make it.

Last week, as Molly and I were driving to visit my parents, we were listening to the Kid’s Church worship cd. I was singing along, worshipping with those precious voices when suddenly it occurred to me… I would do/give absolutely ANYTHING so that Molly would know and love Jesus. It is my deepest desire that she will live in relationship with the Lord all the days of her life. Then it hit me… that’s what our Heavenly Father did! He longed so desperately for His children to have a relationship with Him that He sent His SON! That has a whole new meaning to me now! And Jesus suffered. Oh, my, did He suffer. And He did it so willingly. Did He think to Himself, “I would do absolutely ANYTHING to have a relationship with Sara, my precious daughter?” He must have, because He suffered and died for ME.

I still haven’t wrapped my mind around the idea of suffering and I surely don’t want to suffer. But I do know this: God has not/will not ask me to do anything He did not do Himself. And above all else, He is with me every step of the way. Oh, that I might know Him deeper and live a changed life. That is my prayer today.

Happy New Year!

I have a friend who writes about the highlights and lowlights of her life each year. I think it’s a great idea, and have decided to do the same! (Thanks, Mindy!)

Molly
By far, the BIGGEST highlight of 2010 was Molly Grace. She was born August 10 at 12:39 AM. My life is a whole new adventure now!

Family
Highlight–carrying Molly for 9 months in my belly. I enjoyed being pregnant!

Highlight–spending several days with Nate on a “babymoon” in Palm Springs in April.

Highlight–enjoying a weekend with Nate in June at Mission Inn in Riverside.
Highlight–celebrating a family baby shower in July at Barbara’s Victorian Teahouse with all the beautiful women in my family.

Highlight–experiencing a peaceful, safe, and natural labor and delivery of Molly in August.

Highlight–celebrating 8 years of marriage with my Nate in November in San Luis Obispo.
Highlight–celebrating Thanksgiving week with Nate’s whole family in San Jose in November.
Highlight–dedicating Molly at church in December.
Highlight–proudly watching my brother graduate from the fire academy in December.  He was #1 in his class!
Highlight–celebrating Molly’s 1st Christmas at Disneyland with Nate’s family and at home with my family.

Highlight–watching my parents become grandparents; I don’t know if I’ve ever seen them more giddy!

Personal
Highlight–turning 30 in January!
Highlight (& a little lowlight)–completing my 5th year as a middle school teacher in June. I have packed up my classroom and hung up my public school teaching hat for a few years.

Highlight–growing an amazing friendship with my incredible neighbor, Terra.

Lowlight–struggling with breastfeeding (for 3 long months!)
Highlight–becoming successful with breastfeeding (the learning process must be one of the worst, best-kept secrets of new mommyhood…I had no idea!).
Highlight–joining a wonderful table of women at our church’s weekly women’s Bible study.
Lowlight–experiencing the “new” after-baby body I’m living in.
Highlight–experiencing God’s incredible and amazing GRACE on a daily basis. His mercies really are new every single morning!

My heart overflows with joy as I look toward 2011. I am blessed beyond measure to have such an incredible husband (I love you so much, Nate!), a beautiful, healthy baby girl (you rock my world, Molly!), rich friendships, and a loving family. I give thanks to God, my Father for all of these perfect gifts. They have come from Him!

~Sara

Remember, me?

I’m sorry I’ve neglected you these last 6 months. It’s just that my life is so different these days. I’m still writing, just on another page. Please don’t think of me as a traitor. I will be back to write about my own thoughts and personal experiences.

But, until then, you’ll have to keep up over here.

I’ve always been a planner.  I had my whole life planned out during my twenties.  I was going to go to college, meet a great man, and get married.  CHECK!  Then, I was going to be a teacher and enjoy life as a newlywed.  CHECK!  In my later twenties, I planned to buy a home with my husband and enjoy a little traveling.  CHECK!  I figured we’d start a family by the time I turned 30…

It’s a little scary to me how planned I made my life.  Through God’s incredible blessings, we’ve had AMAZING opportunities these last several years.  However, I will never forget the September evening Nate and I sat in the car in the parking lot at church and I suddenly realized I didn’t want to plan my life anymore.  I was tired of having all the little ducks in a row and was ready to jump in, completely, into starting a family.  I never really thought I’d reach that point, being the control freak that I am, but I’m so glad I did!

Thus brings us to this moment in time.  I’m quite the “thinker” and tend to analyze just about everything in life, so bear with me…

Over the past 11 months, I’ve grown in more ways than I could have imagined.

Physically:  This is obvious!  Yet, as my belly has stretched, I have learned to limit myself.  I simply can’t push myself to accomplish as much as I used to.  I wasn’t able to continue jogging past month 4.  I had to start asking my students to do things for me in the classroom.  I wasn’t able to make dinner, pack lunches, unload the dishwasher, wash dinner dishes, etc. all in one evening.  And I have to admit, I was a little shocked that everything didn’t fall apart when I didn’t finish everything on my to-do list!

Emotionally:  Slowly, I’m learning to let go of control.  We made a conscience decision at the beginning of our pregnancy NOT to find out the gender of this precious one I’m carrying.  I know this is just the beginning of letting go of control.  I like to control things; it makes me feel safe.  After all, I’m a teacher!  I “control” my own little world 5 days a week.  As I let go, however, I realize how insecure I really am.  It’s not about what I accomplish or control, but rather how I approach each situation and trust God to give me wisdom for the moment.  Anne Lamott says that “the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty.  Certainty is missing the point entirely.”  Somehow I convince myself that with control comes certainty.  Yes, I realize how illogical that sounds, but it’s been my mantra for a while.  I am slowly learning to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.  For there is very, very little that I actually have control over.  Which leads me to faith…

Spiritually:  Our God is a God of GRACE.  Oh, how desperately I need His grace.  I’m so hard on myself, thinking life is about what I accomplish.  He has blessed me beyond belief these last 30 years.  Everything I have is a gift from Him.  Yet, my warped human experience makes me think it’s about the things I have and the accomplishments I’ve had.  This brings me back to the control issue.  If something goes wrong, it’s clearly my fault and I should have to pay the penalty.  But, if I really had to pay the price for the “wrong” in my life, I would have died years ago!  My God is so full of grace.  He doesn’t expect me to approach this life on my own.  In fact, He commands me to place no other gods before Him–even the god “control.”  Pregnancy is completely out of my control–the way the baby grows, the gender, the sickness, the weight gain, the length and progression of labor, the type of delivery.  While it is about letting go of trying to control those things, it’s more about trusting God through it all.  Knowing that He really does care about being in relationship with me, no matter how small my worry or concern.  It’s about not living in fear of the things to come, but rather in the light of His grace and love.  It’s about allowing myself to receive His grace, especially when I don’t think I deserve it.

I am humbled that God loves me.  I am in awe of the man He gave me to live this life with.  Nate is a man so full of grace and patience.  Did he know just how immature I was a few years ago?!  If my husband shows unexplainable grace and love to me in this imperfect relationship we call marriage, how much more my perfect Creator knows and loves me!  WOW!  I certainly didn’t know I was getting into this journey 9 months ago!

I’ve had a student teacher since January. It’s been a good experience, but a challenging one as well. I usually spend my mornings and prep periods preparing myself quietly (kind of an “introvert” thing). But, I’ve been sharing those times with a beginning teacher these last several weeks. I’ve also been sharing my classroom and my students. Most of us teachers went into the classroom because we are independent workers who get to rule our own little worlds for 6 hours a day. It’s been great to have a student teacher, but I’m definitely ready for some downtime.
My students are really excited about this little one growing inside of me. They make comments that I just have to write down. I don’t want to forget anything about this amazing experience…
“My, Mrs. Jones. You’re getting so big. You have to make it until August?!”
“I think you’re carrying a boy because you’re carrying low like my sister.”
“I think you’re carrying a boy because you’re more round.” From the other side of the room, “No, boys are longer, girls are rounder.”
“Have you picked out baby names yet? I really think you should name the baby after me.” Let’s get one thing straight…most names are “out” because I’ve had a student by that name!
My neighbor teacher suggested I make a box for baby name suggestions as well as parenting advice. I think that’s a great idea! Eighth graders are so fun!!

I graduated from A.B. Miller High School in Fontana.  It was a great place to go to school.  I was involved in the AP program, I sang in the choir, I ran track and cross-country, and I was a leader in a couple of clubs over the 4 years I was there.  The school population was diverse (ethnically speaking as well as socio-economically).  The teachers I had were outstanding.  I had a solid group of friends.  I look back on high school with fond memories.

And now, 12 years later, the school has been identified as one of the most “underperforming schools” in California.  My heart is sad.  Not because of what has happened to our school, but because politicians still think they can rank schools, teachers, and precious students according to some unrealistic scale of “success!”  Among my group of friends who graduated in the 90s from A.B. Miller are teachers, architects, EMTs, stay-at-home-moms, accountants, reading specialists, speech therapists, and engineers.  How could all of those students come out of such a “low-performing” institution?  Clearly, the level of success our high schoolers have in the future is more a reflection of their family and personal desire and motivation to achieve high standards than the ranking of schools by the government!

I feel very passionate about this (as if you couldn’t tell!).  So many of us who go into education do it because our hearts give us no other options.  Yes, there are some lousy teachers out there (and I had a few over the years), but there are some phenomenal people in our schools as well.  As Christ-followers, our calling goes even beyond where our hearts lead us.  We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that our classroom is our mission field.  We have been called by our Creator to love his kids…and NOT just the ones in higher achieving, more exclusive communities.

I am an advocate for public education.  Nate and I plan to send our children into our community’s schools.  We are a part of the education process as parents.  Our children have a responsibility to their family and to themselves to work toward success.  The government (state and federal) will not scare me about our schools.  I know that to the politicians, our kids are nothing but numbers and test scores; as well as one of the greatest strains on the economy.  However, I choose to believe that God is greater than any of that.  Public education is a wonderful and important part of our community.  The success of our future generations lies in relationships (with friends, families, teachers, community members, and churches), not in the numbers and lists provided by out-of-touch government officials.